Everything is a Communication Problem
I like to joke that every problem, at its core, is a communication problem.
It’s true more often than not, mainly when the problem involves well-meaning individuals. I understand that some people out there have more significant issues than the one at hand. Those problems are different from what I’m discussing now and require special handling. Let’s chat about the rest.
It’s not me versus you; it’s us versus the problem
Incomplete Information
Have you ever felt like you’re talking past someone? You’re hearing them, and they listen to you, but you still haven’t found a solution. Let’s assume a couple of things:
You both have the same goals at heart (whether it’s making the team/product successful or maintaining a healthy personal relationship)
You’re both logical.
If both of these are true, how can you be coming to different conclusions? The answer is incomplete information.
Both your and their logic is sound, but you’re starting from different places. Nobody is omniscient. It’s entirely possible that you:
Know more or less about the issue than the other person
Know different things about the problem than the other person (more likely)
Are prioritizing the end goals (which you agree on) differently
Call out this difference of assumption. Try, “I know we’re both trying to get to goal X. We must be starting from different places because it seems like we’re talking past each other. Can you describe how you got to your current conclusions?”. Recognizing that you can both be right (given what you know) can be a great way to bridge the gap during a difficult conversation.
It’s easy to assume your logic is flawless and the other person is being irrational or illogical. They’re probably thinking the exact same thing. Take a step back and figure out if you’re working with different assumptions. You may be surprised.
Empathy
One of my favorite phrases is, “It’s not me versus you; it’s us versus the problem.” I quote versions of it a little too often. Taking a step back and recognizing that both of us are trying to solve a problem and not fighting each other is extremely important. Usually, the issue at hand isn’t worth hurting the relationship with the other person.
Try to find clever solutions or compromises. Understand where the other person is coming from. See if there’s a larger goal you could both work towards, even if it means one person makes more of a compromise now than the other. Individual issues are rarely isolated; you’ll run into a similar problem (or another problem with the same person) again, so take the time to invest in the relationship by listening, developing solutions, and empathizing.
Even if you “solve” the problem by strong-arming the other person, you haven’t solved it. You’ll both build resentment, and the next issue will be that much harder to solve.
Summary
The two general strategies I’ve described here may seem a bit abstract. Take a moment to think back to a difficult conversation or problem you recently had. Could you have been working off of different information? Did the discussion take a turn towards personal instead of trying to solve the problem? Could you have taken a step back and de-escalated the conversation? If so, I recommend trying out some of the strategies described above.
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